Bad Episode and Attempt

TW//talk about attempts today has been horrible honestly. not really looking for advice, just kinda wanting to get this off my chest to people who might understand. I've never had such a bad episode I've ever attempted, but i did this morning, all while on the phone with my girlfriend too. i felt so bad because she could see me, we were only texting because something has happened to her and i broke, snapped at her in anger (not aimed at her), then got so low and depressed that i had that i just tried to do it. luckily i got most spit out, but i still had to call out of work because of side effects. i felt so bad and was horrified i had done it where she could see, i spent the whole day basically asking if she was upset with me, mad at me, etc. there's still a part of my brain that is terrified she's mad at me or hates me for doing it, but i know she loves me more than the world so it's an ongoing battle sadly.