Feeling Alone and Hopeless

PEOPLE I AM NOT SUICIDAL SO DONT BE STUPIDLY STEREOTYPICAL AND MISINTERPRET THIS. I JUST HAVE TO VENT. No matter where I go, no matter who I know or speak too, even with social media, I am still so alone. I can't keep doing this. I'm losing my mind one min bc of dumbass heartless people who are always trying to hurt me, crying the next bc of people trying to take away by my world. Why even bother anymore if I'm going to hell anyways. Everyday on Earth I'm in constant anguish and pain already so wouldn't it make sense to go ahead and skip the years of waiting process and get on with it? Atleast then the pain and torture is happening for a reason. People look at me and see someone who is pretty and think I'm ok but my heart and soul has been practically dead for years and because of this it is now ugly and broken and no I will never be truly okay. I know I never will be either. There is no bonus to living through all this. I never deserved this shit and I can't help but wonder what I did in another life to deserve it. I must of been pretty shitty. All I ever wanted was to love my 4 kiddos and be left alone. People want to call me strong and a survivor but they shouldn't. I can't handle this. Not 1 person can. I should of never made it past my teens. I cannot keep this up. I cannot keep faking it til I make it. Docs don't help, friends with their fake friendships arent rly there for me and family is non-existent, hell it's all one big joke just like social media. And please don't insult me by saying mental health docs will help me bc Ive been there done that bought the Tshirt. (Tried every kind of crazy pill, therapy and then some.) I am not exaggerating when I say that IM TIRED AND I DONT WANT TO DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE! 💯