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Just kind of throwing this out to see if anyone can relate/has advice. For many reasons, I have not had much of a relationship with my father since I moved away at 18. Whenever I've seen pictures of him in the past few years, I feel such a strong visceral reaction to how he is aging/how he's changed the past few years. The issue isn't the aging itself, it's that he looks so... bad, I guess is the only way to describe it. The years of drinking, smoking, sun exposure, anger/stress, etc have really started to show. He looks sick and defeated. And it sounds strange to say, but even though it was terrible, the anger and vitriol he has always had at least made him seem alive. But now that he doesn't have that kind of control over my life, he just seems hollow. Mentally, I have such a strong reaction because my brain thinks that I caused this. That I was the one who made him a shell of a person. And I think it might be an intrusive/OCD-related cycle, but my brain fixates on it for several days each time this comes up. And I find myself really ramping up compulsions, because I feel disgusting and want to get "clean". Even though I logically know that it isn't my issue, I feel like it is my fault for ruining someone's life. I think that I just wanted to see him learn, grow, and improve as a person. I've tried to encourage that and try to build a relationship with him as an adult. And to feel like his life has no meaning without being able to abuse and control my life is really messing with me. And this hasn't gotten much better, even with counseling and medication. Apologies for the long post. I am just hoping that someone may have had a similar situation. I know that I'm looking at this through the lens of my own experiences, so I'm sure that some of what I'm perceiving may be skewed.
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Child emotional/psychological abuse
Complex post traumatic stress disorder
Child physical abuse
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
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@Quirce I'm so glad! I dont know you, but I know I have confidence in your ability to handle this anxiety and discomfort. It sucks. For sure. And it will pass.
Part of me wants to offer you reassurance but I know that will only make the OCD doubt stronger. So instead I'll say im really sorry your father didn't give you the love and support you obviously deserved growing up and I'm sorry you're having to deal with the pain and discomfort of seeing him in his current state and the anxiety it brings you. That sounds so incredibly difficult; our connections to our caregivers is so impactful on our fundamental wellbeing. I am no contact with my dad and it bothers me weekly. I know his health isn't great from his own life choices. I'm no contact with my mom. I know her mental health suffers and I worry that if she deleted herself it would be my fault because of the no contact. We aren't responsible. Keep yourself safe.
@SunInAugust Genuinely, thank you so much for your response and kindness. Of course, I am sorry to hear that you deal with similar experiences, but I really appreciate hearing someone else's perspective/processing. Your comment was beautifully-written and got me to slow down my anxious spiral, so thank you.
☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision
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