I don't even know why I'm posting this. I still just don't see any point in life. Things are never going to get better. I'm always gonna be all alone. Any kind of life I had has been over for a long time now. It's my fault that I'm alone. It's my fault that I'm so miserable and worthless. It's my fault that nothing is ever gonna change or get better. The few unfortunate souls that I can actually call my friends... I just end up hurting them and driving them away. I'm whiney and needy and I always dump all of my emotions and feelings on them. I bitch and complain and take out my frustration and anger on them. I'm exhausting and overwhelming. Even when they do try to help me or offer suggestions, I just shoot everything down, then attack them for not being good enough. I'm no one's friend, I'm their abuser. The only reason any of them are in my life to begin with is because they feel bad for me and pity me. It's my own fault for being this abusive monster that people give up on trying to help me. Cause I'm the only one who can change anything. Only I can change who I am. Only I can change the way I speak and act. But the thing is, I can't. I'm too weak and lazy to change myself. I'm too pathetic to even try. Everything wrong in my life is my own fault. I spend every day of my life sitting in silence, hating my very existence. I don't do anything because I'm too lazy. I don't do anything because I'm uninterested and don't feel like it. I don't do anything because everything is pointless. I don't want to kill myself, and I couldn't even if I did. I don't wanna die, but I wish I would. There's no point in being alive, so I wish I wasn't. Being dead won't be easier. I won't be "better off." I'd just be gone. I'd be nothing. I'd cease to exist. If I were dead, I would feel anything anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about other people or how they feel. Everything would just be over, and I would be gone. I just want everything to stop. Everything to end.
you can disagree with me, but you deserve to be loved. you deserve friends. i tell myself i want to die, too, that i'd be better for the world if gone, but i would never say that about anyone else. it's a terrible void to be stuck in alone because the only things you tell yourself are self-destructive, and no one else is there to tell you otherwise. i know how isolating and painful that is. i'm sorry it's the place you're in right now. so if you'd allow me into that dark, crushing space for just a moment, please hear that i don't want you gone. i don't believe the world would be better without you, even if you have hurt others before, even if nothing seems to change for the better. i've been many bad things in my life but i'm not a liar, and the truth stands that i want you to still be here. promise.
please send me a message. i can listen. i can't magically change your life, but i can be still and present by you. i don't have to be a best friend to do at least that much.
i'm sending many, many hugs your way. ♡
I've tried 3 times to reply to this comment, but no matter how I try to say what I wanna say, the stupid app keeps telling me I'm violating it's guidelines, and then it deletes what I wrote.
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