Struggling with OCD and Feeling Hopeless

my doctor refuses to give me medicine for ocd. he says medicine will make my mood worse. even though idk how much worse you can get then wanting to die. he asked if I thought if my mood was worse because I stopped taking my old medicine-i wish people understood i am only depressed because ive done terrible things and i feel guilty for it. now he believes all medicines i try will make me worse since ive tried 2 different meds and they didnt help. i can barely do anything bc of ocd, and i don't have access to anything like weed so i cant turn to anything to help me feel better . i don't have any hobbies. im so jealous of everyone my age being good at basic things and having ways to cope and im jealous of people with friends and people who are actually living their life meanwhile i practically havent left my room for 17 years straight. my doctor said i should wing it with therapy only even tho my therapist wouldnt even see if i had autism. i wish i was satisfied with something in life or about me , but i am slow and stupid and deemed unattractive and im good at absolutely nothing. i wish i could do something right or be happy with my body.i used sleeping as a way to escape, but not i just have nightmares of my body or nightmares in general and im too scared to sleep sometimes. my excuse for not walking into traffic is that id probably survive and be paralyzed because god fuckin hates me haha. ill prob resort to walking alone at night and hope that a guy will decide to kidnap me and hopefully kill me.