Noodlemum

369d

What is something hard you got past?? I just got my blood drawn (20 different viles/about a cup worth). I'm terrified of needles. I only cried after it was done and I got thru it! 😪 ✊

Testosterone

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  • ZappyRacc

    368d

    CW: trauma, gender dysphoria Congrats! It's really hard to push past it when you've got a fear of a specific test. You've got that part of your brain screaming "what if they don't even find anything, then you've tortured yourself for nothing!" It's so hard to feel like the counterargument of "well, if they don't find anything, it's still progress because of what they rule out, and if they do find something, you'd rather know" compelling. So, good on you for getting past your fear! For me, the biggest example of this situation is a pap smear. I've got a double-edged sword with pelvic exams in that I have strongly identified as a boy pretty much since I learned there was a difference, and I have severe bottom dysphoria, such that it's hard for me to use the restroom because I have to touch my bits to wipe afterwards. I've also got what I've suspected to be endometriosis for years, further complicated by the atrophy of my reproductive system from almost a decade of testosterone injections, with plenty of depo shots in there too, to stop my periods. Oh, and whatever it is I've got that causes super painful involuntary muscle spasms probably doesn't help, either. In any event, it all adds up to the procedure being truly agonizing. I go in already anxious and feeling this gross discomfort like my skin is the wrong size just from dropping my drawers and getting my feet in the stirrups. I explain my hesitations in advance, so the doctor will typically use the "kid-sized" speculum (I hate that they always point this out, not only does it make me feel like a wimp, my dual degree in psychology and sociology means I'm all too aware WHY they call the small speculum "kid-sized," so I get a little extra flash of PTSD symptoms to make it even more fun for everybody involved,) and a ton of lube, and they will often look at me, white-knuckled just from their finger, and try to tell me to relax cause they're having trouble getting anything in. And I'm laying there, feeling like I'm being torn in half up the middle, and thinking about that level in Zelda: Ocarina of Time where you have to slingshot the little uvula button to get past the sealed entrance in the throat of the whale, wondering why my doctor always seems to forget their slingshot. Sorry if any of that is too graphic or emotionally dark. It's a hard one for me. I don't recall EVER enjoying vaginal penetration. I used to force myself through the pain before I started transitioning, telling myself that if I just tried to enjoy it, maybe I could relax and see why my friends seemed to think it felt so good. It took a long time for me to connect the dots with my gender identity, trauma (sexual and medical in particular) history, and other reproductive issues (ovarian cysts, emotionally severe PMS, painful week-long and twice-monthly periods, basically every other symptom of endometriosis) to figure out why penetration is so painful and this test in particular gets to me really badly. I'm hopeful I can get my full hysterectomy within the next couple years and just be through with it all. I have the tentative approval of a surgeon (only took like 7 years of testosterone for a doctor to finally stop trying to convince me to wait and see if I want to reproduce and actually take me seriously when I say I'd be happiest just being a cat dad and spending that child-rearing fund to travel or to donate to charities to help out somebody else's kid who needs a school lunch program or complicated healthcare or a place to stay when they come out as queer and their parents show them the door.) I just need a good GP and a handful of specialists to agree that surgery is currently safe for me, and a note each from a GP and my therapist confirming that yes, I fully present as a man, and yes, I have consistently reported I have no desire to own a uterus.

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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