Struggling with Socializing and Mental Health

already feeling like its too much ... going to recluse some more ... might be back on this app ... might uninstall it ... not sure what i would expect of it ... anxious as all hell for what ever is made of it if it involves me being involved ... hate that im so comfortable with my discomfort yet I cant tolerate the discomfort to change it maybe im just comfortable in my lone discomfort ... maybe Im uncomfortable in a change of my discomfort for better or worse ... maybe ive run out of energy pretending as if socializing includes me its all pretend Hate that I am weak enough to share this ... hate that im strong enough to know it has to be done to change any of it for myself or those like me ... hate that I wanna be better ... hate that i feel like i need to be better ... hate that i feel im just fine even though if it means how i feel thats a lie ... hate that i dont even really know how i feel to be honest ... hate that i know i dont wish anyone to feel like me so even if i dont do such things for myself i feel obligated to outreach for the sake of preventing others from owning shoes similar to mine wish i where brave enough to be professionally treated ... hate that i dont believe in medicine ... hate that only care available isnt really available ... hate that i care ... hate that idk if i really care or if i made it up