Struggling with Alcoholism and Grief on Father's Day

I want a fucking drink and I know I want a fucking drink I'm not gonna drink but I wanna drink and I fucking want one now If i was gonna drink right now ill be pissed at myself in the end because I know I can't have just one and I'd binge until fathers day is over Dad I miss you so damn much and I know drinking won't bring you back I know It won't take me back in time. This is the 1st fathers day without you and it hurts me to know I was such an alcoholic I didn't take advantage of the fathers days I had available to me while you were here. All I want to do is silence the voices, shut down the guilt , I miss her every second of every hour of everyday i was a fucking monster I deserve to miss her. And I don't deserve her. I'm living pay check to pay check so ill have to deal with spending fathers day with my son on a budget I wish things were different and I was a better dad but I'm making up for so much lost time. That I end up being a deadbeat financially and that makes me want to to drink. I'm sorry mom I know you're trying to do better and make up for the damage you caused and I have my walls up but you have to understand its so hard to relate to someone you have resentment for. I'm sorry if this is too much but I'm trying to not drink because all I can do right now is get in a dark place mentally and think. What silences the voices better than substance? How do I shut up the the internet troll in my head? I feel like a wuss... sorry for the typos...