Struggling with an Eating Disorder for Years

Hey. I wanna say, I've been struggling for years to get back to a normal eating diet or routine. It's hard, I've gone through the brunt of most with my eating disorder, however since middle school, I haven't been able to fix said diet. I'm a survivor, yes. In the end I've been told how nice my body is, but even a small amount of fat on my body makes me cringe still, it makes me want to lose the weight again, which I think I do instinctively now. I feel hungry, but I don't want to get up and eat, instead I drink alot of water or soda to fend the feeling off, or I just sleep it away. I have never gotten the help I needed after my starvation came into play, I instead fended off hunger because I still think I'm not cared about. I don't know what to do or know how to fix it. This started when I was 12 years old due to a trauma response of things that have happened, then bullying, then I was made fun because I was a bit heavy. I'm now 22 years old and still haven't properly recovered because my family ignored it. I want help, I want this cycle to end. I want to love myself.