Considering Ketamine Infusions for Treatment Resistant Depression

My therapist has brought up ketamine infusions (for treatment resistant depression) for the second time, and I honestly don’t know what to think of it. I know and understand the basic physiology of it, which affects the thought process. I’ve heard negative reviews for it for pain management, but positive for depression. My therapist has even done it and recommends it. I’m just scared though. I’ve tried CBT once, and I almost killed myself that summer. When my therapist repeats things that I say back to me, I think it sounds ridiculous and that I shouldn’t feel that way. Then when we reframe my thoughts, it’s like I always find a loophole. I’ve tried 4 different antidepressants, and I’m currently on one that seems to at least help so I’m at least semi-functional the majority of the days of the week. I’ve realised that my mom is also depressed, but her thinking and impressions have shaped what was “normal” in my mind. I’m beginning to think that struggling with ADHD, anxiety, and (sometimes when it flares up) PTSD, and seasonal depression is enough on top of my regular depression. But I feel like I shouldn’t be having such a hard time because other people can get things done while they have depression and ADHD, which both lead to anxiety. I feel like I hardly know what is considered “weak” anymore.